Jan 13, 2012

In 2012, I’ll be blogging more. Maybe I actually should say, “I will begin blogging…for real this time.” I have had this “blog” section on my website for a while and never really got around to consistently using it. So, in 2012… I vow to do so. I want to use my blog- as my own personal space to “release and express”. But, I guess in general thats what “Blogs” are for to begin with, right? Here I want to let out all my random thoughts, pic’s, vid’s, feelings,  moments of inspiration, opinions, videos, fashion thoughts, etc… Just to allow this blog to be a place for me to expel the things I usually hold in… because I wait for creative times in which I can finally let them go.  Those times are often too few and too far in between these days. Truth is…I haven’t had a whole lot of that “creative time” in the last four years. Maybe even longer. But the Creative juices are boiling. So it’s a good time to start “overflowing” for all and to do so via my blog. I also think that this is good for another reason…

I was speaking with my wife the other day and we were talking about a situation with a person who for the longest time had been very “stand off’ish” and who almost seemed to have an issue with me. I never paid it much attention until we both found ourself thrust into a situation where that person had to engage me and then it all came out. This person had a pre-conceived idea about who, what and how I was as a person. It apparently wasn’t good either. This person had then over the years verified that pre-conceived notion with other people (who also did not know me and whom I’d never met) and shortly thereafter – the “pre-conceived” version of me- became the truth, even though it was the furthest thing from it. But, When this person actually had the opportunity to speak with me and  get to know me (if even just on a surface level over a thirty minute time period)…their pre-conceived notion was almost instantly replaced with a first hand account of who I am as a person. Right before our conversation was over , this person said out of the blue, “You know, you aren’t how I imagined you would be at all. You’re actually a nice guy.” This person then shared with me the pre-conceived” notion they had of me and it was crazy to me. I know, I know and I’m not letting one persons insecurities speak for others. I definitely can understand why people would assume that a person who has been in movies and raps and blah blah -would be arrogant and maybe even obnoxious. Believe me there are folks who I have done albums with and who I have made movies with who are every bit a pain in the ass and need to be taught how to behave and how to treat people. But, no one likes to be lumped into a group that they do not belong to or subscribe to.

Therefore, I think this blog will provide a place for me to regularly express myself -so that people can see where I’m coming from. With that said – these blog “interactions” won’t ever take the place of a face to face conversation and all the things one can take away from that….but all the blogs compiled together will over time begin to present a close enough representation of who and what I am and how I think… spoken from me and by me leaving much less to “pre-conceive.”

Coffee to me has come to represent beginnings…from getting up with my grandfather at 4 in the morning where he would make me 80% Cream and 20% coffee with enough sugar that I don’t think I ever really tasted the coffee, and then sitting with him at the stove and listening to him talk and start his day…to having to get up for work at 5am myself before my music took off and barely making it to work before getting that first cup…to finishing a concert and grabbing a convenience store cup full and beginning a drive into the night to the next concert….to filming movies and grabbing a cup before heading off to the wardrobe and  make-up trailers….to meeting the woman who would become my wife, in Seattle and beginning to learn the difference between a mocha and a latte and a venti and a grande- when all I knew was “large or small”, “cream and sugar” or just “black”…. to recording studios and late nights in cities across the country, barely staying awake and running on adrenaline – but grabbing some coffee around the corner to finish that last verse or last mix or last chorus part…to corporate boardrooms where I watch as coffee is served by staff to folks I brought together to do business as it simultaneously begins to dawn on me just how many new beginnings my life has had and how far I’d come from a vocal booth to a board room…to pretty much beginning each day at Starbucks with that beautiful woman (who’s now been my wife for nearly 14 years) and taught me how to not embarrass myself when ordering from the barrista…to sitting here and writing this “1st” real blog.  So with that, I thought the first image I would post… is this mornings coffe…in a cup, gifted to me last November by the good folks at the Phoenix Indian Center for hosting their 1st Annual American Indian Art Market. So…Cheers and I raise my cup in a toast to this new beginning! Good Morning.

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I have watched the sun come up after all night recording sessions so many times I can’t remember them all. I used to wait for hours in front of the studio for the first producer I worked with to show up-making sessions start hours late. I still had to be at work early the next morning- but ya think he cared? I remember feeling so upset at the disrespect and the unprofessionalism this cat showed me. But I was determined to succeed. I was not about to let this guy stop me from moving forward. When he did finally show up…I made the most of my time in the studio. It taught me alot about how some cats in the music industry are. That often equates to: unfocused and unmotivated. Nobody ever believes in your dream as much as you. EVER.  On top of dealing with guys like that…I remember feeling so exhausted driving home after being in the studio all night and thinking that by trying to rep my culture while simultaneously trying to become successful in the music business…well it just seemed to make my chances of “making it”…. seem like an even longer shot. But I never stopped believing. I never stopped having faith that if I kept moving- I could achieve my dreams…the way I envisioned it!

The other evening in Miami I once again found myself  leaving the studio as the sun was coming up after recording all night.  It reminded me of my studio days back in Oklahoma when I first started rapping. I started thinking about all the cities I have seen the sun come up in while achieving my dream. Los Angeles, Seattle, Chicago, Dallas, New York City…I started to think of how lucky I’ve been to have experienced such an incredible journey. INDEPENDENT in every sense of the word.  No other story in hip hop is like mine.  It has taught me about the music business and I know every inch of my journey.  It has been my trial by fire.

 

As I sit poised to make the most prolific album of my career…I am happy I no longer find myself waiting for producers to show up to the studio. But none the less- it’s time to finish hard and hustle like this is day one and I can’t wait to see the sun come up over the next few months!

Today – I flew coast to coast (Florida to LA) to meet with some producers on a new tv show. I am focused. Truthfully, my mind is more on the music I am making in Miami and all the incredible energy that is bubbling about my new music. Things are good! My son turned 5 months old today & I miss him. I miss both my sons. And my wife. But- in my profession, opportunity rarely falls in ya lap. You gotta go get it. So – It is…. what it is. I just go super hard when I gotta be away from my fam…so every minute counts. Otherwise, it’s not worth missing the moments. Actually, nothing is worth that. I understand the cost of reaching to achieve more…I am blessed my family does too. With that said…I am going to turn off the lights and pretend I am home.

I wanna welcome you to my own little blog section with the writing of this first blog. So, WELCOME!  Here I will basically just let go whatever is on my mind, heart and express myself. I titled this blog: Go For The Win. Why? This year is the year I have been working towards for the last twenty.

From my start in Oklahoma, so many people never believed my dream was possible. So many people gave me those stupid looks that are the epitome of “condescending” and that just hardened my resolve. I have had to fight to get where I am and still have that instinct to this day. Those who have read my book, understand better what I mean about the struggles I have risen above. If ya haven’t gotten hip to that- go ahead and cop the book when ya can. It’s all in there.

So long story short…I never let anyway stand in my way or stop me. Truth of it is… I have outlasted ever hater that ever tried to stop me.  Thats why this moment is so sweet for me…As a Native person who has had everyones limitations thrown at me as to what is and what isn’t possible- I have refused to believe the hype and diminish my dreams according to their limited vision. I have done it like I saw it in my head all those years ago with nothing but hope, belief in self and my prayers… ALOT OF PRAYERS! No compromise and I’m still fighting to do what I believe is possible for me! So “Here I Stand” – and ya know what it feels damn good!

So excuse me while I fall into the endzone for the game winning TD like Marshawn Lynch! Find me BEASTIN on the game!